


All The Ghosts We've Left Behind

by shutupfornothing



Series: All The Ghosts We've Left Behind [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Ghosts, Letters, M/M, Songfic, jeremy zucker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 07:57:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15814725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shutupfornothing/pseuds/shutupfornothing
Summary: Based on the song “ghosts” by Jeremy ZuckerDan writes Phil letters that he’ll never send after they break up.





	All The Ghosts We've Left Behind

_Phil,_

_I have no idea how to start this. “Dear Phil” or “Phil Lester” sounded too formal. I don’t know what I’m doing or how to even write this, so just try and bear with me._

_I realized I haven’t apologized for that weekend. I knew it had gone horribly wrong when I started praying to God that we’d still be friends. I would’ve never imagined us as anything else._

_I was so lost when you left. I couldn’t handle us being over. Did you know that I used to imagine us spending our lives together. I had just started to think that maybe we would._

_During that first month, I took a lot of my anger out at the bottom of a bottle. I’ve gotten better now. It’s all good._

_Focusing helps. If I focus on something else, I won’t think about you. At the end of the day I feel burnt out, but I haven’t thought of you. If I think of you, it’s worse._

_Sometimes I wonder, if I was gone would you notice? It’s more of a shower thought. It’s quick and passing, but the thought kills me like a cigarette in flowers._

_It’s like all I’ve ever felt for you has now frozen. I’m stuck with the love I’ve felt for you since we met and the scars that tore me apart when you left._

_You’ve been gone for a while. Looking at you, happy and living your life, I’m realizing that you didn’t need me._

_I torture myself looking back at all the ghosts we’ve left behind, all the memories we made together and the happiness I felt._

_It doesn’t matter. You’re gone and you don’t need me. I’m accepting that and getting closer to being okay._

  


_Dear Phil,_

_I got scared. I didn’t send you the first letter I wrote when I was done. I feel like I needed to apologize, not explain how messed up my life is without you. I sound pathetic._

_I remember hoping we’d be okay after you left. It was an unrealistic hope to have, but my stupid brain wished for it anyway._

_You’re shining like gold now. I haven’t been on the internet much, but when I am it’s always you. Pictures and videos of you shining brighter than the sun._

_Your heart wasn’t torn open like mine still is. If it was, you healed pretty fast. I think I’m jealous of how easily you got over me. I can’t get over you._

_My days and nights are spent at home, even over the weekend. It’s freezing outside now, but I wouldn’t go out anyway. It was warm when you left._

_You’ve been gone for too long. I used to think that any amount of time without you was painful. I didn’t know that you’d leave forever one day._

_  
_

_  
_

_To Phil Lester,_

_I’ve been wondering how I’m losing sleep over you. It’s been a year now and I’m finally feeling okay again._

_You would’ve been perfect for me. You_ were _perfect for me. I wouldn’t be the same without you in my life. I needed you even if you didn’t need me. (I like to think that you did.)_

_No matter where my soul is, I won’t try to fight these feelings every night. I let myself think about you if I need to, but then I sleep and I wake up and I keep living._

_I can still breath without you. I thought I couldn’t back then, but I’m on a new road now. My life still goes on when you’re not in it._

_If it’s worth anything to you, I still don’t know what I’m doing. I’m trying my best to just make it through life. I shouldn’t have to depend on anyone._

_I was holding out for something, but got nothing. I acted colder with the weight of my feelings on my shoulders. I was lost without you._

_I’m wondering how you’re doing. I want to know if you’re okay. I want you to tell me that you’re fine. I want a lot of things I can’t have._

_I’m sorry. I won’t write anymore letters. All they do is make me think of you. I need to live on without you. I’m saying goodbye. I love you._

 -  _ _Dan Howell__


End file.
